“Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength. However, there are times in life in which it takes much more strength to just let go.”
And let God.
I’ve walked and walked and walked for others for years until the souls of both my shoes and inner peace are well worn. And I know that the most important people in my life now have given something back to me. In my years here, I’ve been up and down. I’ve been the parent needing help. I pleaded for forgiveness, bummed an encouraging word and slept in a home that wasn’t my own. I’ve needed a guiding hand and called for many listening ears. In turn I have been a listening ear, a taxi cab driver and a friend. Life has happened to me. Big life! I’ve been labeled many things in that time. Labels that may or may not be true. Some I wear proudly, others are, well, not so kind but I still use them for bettering myself.
“Good decisions come from experience and experience comes from bad decisions.”
Just like anyone else, I have a long story to tell. I have had my own fair share of blessings, miracles and enormous happiness. BUT my past has not been easy, graceful or all beautiful. My past has provided many struggles and circumstances that have been quite challenging to move past. I was once young, dumb and thought the bad ideas were actually okay despite knowing they were unhealthy. My judgement was as weak as my confidence. I walked a long dark road and at times it paralyzed me. I was stuck looking up with no energy or know-how to move forward.
My heart often aches at the thought and flashbacks of my past for only moments. Because those moments in time are a part of me no matter how pleasant, embarrassing or uncomfortable they might be. I am in a better place now and a better person because of the dark times but that is because I am a survivor. A survivor of my past. It took me a lot of heartache, trials, mistakes, complications and begging for forgiveness. I try very hard to focus on positive peace so that my future is a place that I continue to look forward to. I often share my raw and honest inspirations so that maybe I can touch someone who can relate but yet are afraid to admitting to. I’m not always kind with my words but I am always honest. Sometimes I forget I’m a lady and let my emotions take over. Oops. There have also been times where those who know things about my past only from my admittance have tried to use it to damage who I am today.
‘Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.’
While I needed help developing a backbone and relied on strength others gave me, I have sought to return the support and love to many people. I have had a hand in inspiring adults, children and families alike. There have been a few that don’t really care for my opinion. No hurt feelings here. All of these have changed me, for better and for worse. Live and learn. BUT through it all I have now found a voice and strength! Even though this can be and has been frowned upon, I am standing strong in my knowledge.
I was told that we were thought of when something very dramatic happened and some of their willingness to rearrange their lifestyle wasn’t possible on their part and so we did. We sacrificed, rearranged, managed, found joyous moments, cried tears of frustrations, prayed to the Higher Power, searched for guidance and made decisions. And we continue to do so for our little one. Initially, we didn’t see his parents as a part of his life on a regular basis. His mother was there sporadically. His father wasn’t at all. Until a little more than a year ago. We have spoke up and tried to make what we feel is the best decision for everyone. This has been interpreted as being complicated. Prolonging a situation that to others seem inevitable but to us the hesitancy is necessary. I’ve tried being a friend, a guidance, a resource but all the ways I tried hasn’t always worked so I’ve had to be a bitty at times, unfortunately. New grey hairs have came as well as a new voice, an aching heart and new knowledge. No one could possibly understand where our hearts and thoughts are unless of course they have walked a few years in our shoes.
I’ve watched my own son change. Become angry, hurt and has inwardly held things that have shattered his ability to be unconditionally happy. I’ve also seen him through some of the happiest days of his life, sharing each and every moment with him. His excitement for simple everyday things makes my heart beat louder. I’ve found that his heart is a lot like mine. He wants to protect others from hurt feelings, myself included. He’s seen and been through so much in the past few years. Changes in me, his dad, other family members, our whole lives. Sometimes it’s not until a very loud conversation happens that some of the things he’s so angry about becomes clear and evident. At first I feel like 😳. Then a deep breath later and YES!! The breakthrough I’ve been waiting for! Despite my best efforts to protect him, I feel I’ve slipped. He’s not ignorant. He’s rather brilliant! He has developed his very own opinion on many things. Some we agree on and others, well, it’s his own respective view. And I respect that. My son is powerful and we gave him that power!
As parents, we are their protector. We are their guardian. We are their teacher and guidance counselor. We have been doing the best we can but some days are harder. On occasion, I just have refocus my energy and power. All motherly instincts come while the child is in the womb, I was told. Maybe this is true but I also feel that I grow as they grow. It is also our job to do best by our children and keep them in our arms while leading them through tough choices, life experiences and not letting our children go without education, confidence and love. Pain and injury (physically or emotionally) can happen in the blink of an eye. Always be present. Their needs and safety come first. Not their wants and definitely not our selfish wants. Children need parental guidance and presence always.
As our life is getting ready to change once again, I will use each and every single life lesson I have gathered along the way to guide me as their parent, provider and in my professional life. I have no more room in my basket for drama and bullshit in my personal life. I do so enjoy my 24 hour a day job; often stressful, sometimes unwarranted name calling, long tiresome hours, heartbreaking decision making, both encouraging and fostering relationships, ensuring safe stable shelter and environment is accessible to families and children. And the list goes on. Helping others with their hard times and some may be the hardest times they have ever been through. It is not easy but it’s worth it. I have sympathy and empathy now in a bigger way since I’ve experienced some of these same times. I will use my knowledge and power to the best of my ability. Because in all honesty, knowledge is power.