Theft of ones emotions, supports, morals and confidence. Narcissism.

I have been rather interested in a particular subject lately; narcissism and other antisocial personality disorders. I first began looking on Google and Pinterest just to see what little information I could find. There were several informative ‘quote’ pictures that offered interesting explanations which sparked my interest to investigate and research further.

The specific mental illness on my mind is narcissism.

Targets. Narcissist find individuals and seek to control, manipulate and hold them hostage against their own feelings, morals, beliefs and everything you hold dear in your life. Why? Taken from a direct quote by Dzana, a survivor from a narcissistic relationship gives a pretty good example as to why.

“We are targeted by narcissists because we have everything that is beautiful and human. We can feel true joy and sadness. They want to live through us, and end up killing us…..”

Without the ability to clinically diagnosis I can only observe, make note, research and put together the details and describe what I have found. Narcissist is a term that the humans use in casual conversations and imply predisposition of one’s undesirable behavior. Sometimes it’s used so loosely but it is a real problem with real victims.

Found within the text of a book I have been reading, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourselves, is the definition of a narcissist according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM-5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013). It defines a narcissistic person as someone who has a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), an excessive need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. This is indicated by five (or more) of the following:

  • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
  • Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
  • Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
  • Requires excessive admiration.
  • Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).
  • Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
  • Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
  • Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
  • Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

(Arabi, Shahida. Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself. SCW Archer Publishing, 2016.)

A narcissist can accomplish things by planting tiny seeds in your thoughts that will eventually grow and lead to your very own downfall of emotions and supports. They do this by making simple intentional statements that set their plan in motion. They disguise themselves as caring, loving individuals with an attractive personality, excellent communication and observation skills that will allow them to appear extremely intelligent and interested in you. They have many characters they utilize depending on the situation they are in, allowing them to conceal their callous and unsympathetic intent. Using their manipulation skills, narcissists are able to authenticate doubts, elaborate on faux threats and even ‘rubbing salts on old wounds’ to make a gain and fill their supply. They use a technique referred to as ‘gaslighting’ that allows them to rationalize and minimize the hidden and intentional abuse. This is done by dizzying, circular conversations with convoluted or an unclear jumble of random words and phrases. Typically done so that they can push the blame onto their victim by distorting and deceiving their emotions so they don’t have to accept accountability for their actions.

Narcissists knowingly build their disregard of others to feed their need of authority and to boost their false sense of predominance. They will make demeaning comments directed toward your personal appearance, intelligence, line of work, your competence in general, accomplishments you may or may not have, weak moments in your life, areas that you lack confidence in and even cutting at your support networks so they can make a gain in their sense of power leaving you with sadness and despair. When they have you at a low, they will come back with kind, caring and affection that will soften you to believe they care. The narcissist can gain and fill their supply by smearing your reputation which leaves you with no support network. With their shrewd words and devious acts, narcissists will twist words and circumstances to make anyone else they are attempting to gain something from appear to be the ‘crazy’ one.

Standing on the other side of the narcissist, you will be abandoned by them with depressing thoughts, anxious feelings, the constant need to be on the defense and potentially worthlessness. This is emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. They will gain a sense of accomplishment when you are left to only depend on them because they have sabotaged your relationships with family and friends. Pulling you in a circle of emotions, you are left weak, abandoned, and destitute of importance, love or acceptance of others, shamed with ‘unforgivable’ acts and the weight of all the abuse and accusations.

Narcissist lack the ability to truly empathize therefore leaving them unable to identify with the needs and feelings of others. Therefore, they have what is referred to as ‘cold empathy’. They lack the ability to relate remorsefully to others feelings even though they might understand intellectually why they feel that way. They can convince you with words giving you a sense of relation to your feelings to appear remorseful but this is usually a sly way and evade their actions and to slide away from the accountability for them.

So, how do you get away from a narcissist and regain your sense of self-worth and confidence to succeed without them? Still researching and gaining knowledge. I will continue this when I have explored more.

What is narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is covert, and often disguised as love and care, but it’s anything but. It is not a single act of cruelty like an insulting comment, or verbal abuse laced with a string of profanities. It’s the insidious, gradual, and intentional erosion of a person’s sense of self-worth. It’s a combination of emotional and psychological abuse aimed at undermining a person’s identity for the sole purpose of obtaining control for personal gain. It can involve patterns of dominance, manipulation, intimidation, emotional coercion, withholding, dishonesty, extreme selfishness, guilt-mongering, rejection, stonewalling, gaslighting, financial abuse, extreme jealousy, and possessiveness.

Bree Bonchay, LCSW   www.freefromtoxic.com

Resources:

(Arabi, Shahida. Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself. SCW Archer Publishing, 2016.)

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One thought on “Theft of ones emotions, supports, morals and confidence. Narcissism.

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  1. This explains so much. Love the read as always and hope others that read this will take positive actions to keep themselves from becoming the victim of a narcissistic person. They can and will destroy you without you even knowing until it’s to late. Keep inspiring others Tonya. If this reaches one person you’ve done well. This is a very devistating and destructive unpleasant quality in a person that hurts so many people.

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